I think it is human nature to want to quantify our experiences. We are curious creatures, and we have an innate desire to understand how the world works. So, we categorize things. We put labels on them so that we can make just a little more sense of this confusing, disorienting, overwhelming world. Numbers can keep us safe. Speed limits are great. Head-counts for school field trips so you don't lose a kid? Awesome. But, in my experience, more often than not, I let numbers define me. I let them take over my life, and honestly, it's not healthy. And I have to say, I am super over it.
I am, self-admittedly, a perfectionist. I like to set goals for myself and I like the feeling I get when I achieve them. That said, eventually it got to a point where my goals were more and more unattainable. I was stretching myself too thin and pushing myself too far. I realized today that I have let numbers completely rule my life for so long. And to live a healthier, happier life, I had (have? - I'm still a work in progress fam) to let that go. But the first step to doing this was becoming more self-aware. So, if you need someone to call you out on your sh*t, I hope this blog post can help give you some clarity.
There are 4 main ways I have let numbers define me in my mere 20 years on this planet:
1) I have let the number on the scale define me. I am guilty of feeling defeated when I see the number go up, and feeling a little too accomplished when I see the number go down. But I recognize that it's not healthy to have your self-worth depend so strongly on the number that reflects your relationship to gravity. So I decided about 6 months ago not to weigh myself anymore. I don't know my weight, and honestly, I think that's a really good thing. I no longer have a number to attach my self-worth to. It has allowed me to slowly view myself in a more positive way. Sometimes I go to the gym and am tempted by the scale in the change room, but I know my mental health is worth a little uncertainty.
2) I have let my height define me. I used to be embarrassed of being short (I'm only 5'2"). My insecurity got even worse when I considered #1 and #2 at the same time. I had some preconceived notion of what "healthy" was, and thought that if my height and weight didn't match up to these expectations, I wouldn't be attractive or good enough (thanks BMI....P.S. If you want to read an article as to why BMI is literally bs, click here). But, I've learned to embrace my size, because I can't change it. I love my height now - it makes me huggable, it honestly makes me rely on other people more (shout out to the friends who help me check my mailbox), it makes it easy for me to curl up on a couch, and so much more.
3) I have let my age define me. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard you're 19... shouldn't you be at a bar right now?, Oh, I remember when I was your age *wink*, and wow, you're such a baby!! How are you even in school? Do you feel like you're behind everyone else? And you know what? I am super over it. I realized that the more I let these comments affect me, the more self-conscious I got. I don't like going downtown. I mean, I don't hate it, but I am just as happy curling up with some tea and a book, cuddling my dog, or going for a walk in the park. And some days, I'm just not feeling it. I used to feel guilty for not being a "normal" 19-year-old, but I am unique and creative and wonderful the way I am. And I am enough, no matter how I choose to spend my Friday nights. My age makes me no less qualified to be at school, no less competent, and no less deserving of respect. Once I started believing these things, I was able to advocate for myself more, and accept better for myself.
4) I have let my grades define me. This is arguably the biggest number that has affected my life, and the one that's been the hardest to get over on some days. As a perfectionist, and someone who puts a ton of pressure on herself, for some reason I chose to define myself as "the straight-A student". But, I took this to the extreme. I didn't just want As on my transcript; I was unable to accept anything less on even the smallest assignments worth 5% of my overall grade. Seriously, getting a 79 had the ability to send me into a full-blown panic. Now obviously, this wasn't sustainable. The first day I got a C, I literally cried for 4 hours. It felt like my world was ending. But, obviously it didn't. And I am learning to recognize that my grades do not define who I am. I am not "the girl who gets straight As". I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a compassionate, kind, strong woman who fights for what she believes in. If I need to take a mental health week at the cost of 3% of my grade, it's worth it. No amount of stress, anxiety, frustration, or illness is worth that 3%. Listen up, students. Your grades do not define you. If you can try to get out of that mindset, I promise that your mental health and overall well-being will start to improve. Let me tell you, there were a lot more where those Bs and Cs came from. But I'm still doing just fine, and I do still consider myself a successful student (but I'll let you know how finals turn out ;) ).
So, basically, I guess I realized that I was trying to quantify life experiences that can't be assigned a number. Ultimately, focusing on the numbers means that I will never be enough. Numbers can always change, but what shouldn't change is how I feel about myself. I deserve to love myself, now and always. No matter my height, weight, grades, or age. My weight doesn't measure my smiles, or my laughs. My height doesn't document that great joke I heard last week, or the awesome dog I met at the park. My age and my grades don't represent the amazing friends I have met these past few years. So, try to ditch the number talk. It's worth it, I promise.
Hugs,
- AG
