It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog post. The longer it got, the easier it was to just keep putting it off. I love writing. I love words, and *creating*. But it also stresses me out so much.
I also felt like I just didn't need my blog anymore. There are certain things I used it to overcome, and I don't really want to write about the same stuff anymore. Not to say that it's become any less important to me. But I want to express myself in other ways too. Then I realized: this is my space. I can change it as I need to. So, here we are. Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and ready to start over.
I’ve felt that I needed to think of something motivational to say. I thought that people expected me to give them something useful with my words. There’s so much pressure to be creative, and I’m still trying to figure out what that looks like for me. I’m learning, though, that sometimes, creativity just means showing up, and sharing a piece of you.
Honestly, the past few months have been some of the most confusing, unpredictable, and anxiety-provoking of my life. I finished a degree I loved, but that means I have to move on. I no longer have that safety net. I moved across the country from most of my friends, and can’t be there for them as much as I’d like to be since I’m away. I had to completely re-evaluate my plans for the fall, and (honestly) fight with myself to take the summer off.
I’m exhausted. I need a break to figure out what I need, and what will actually make me happy. But I’m a perfectionist, and the thought of not working makes me so anxious. My mind starts thinking But who am I without a purpose?.
Here’s to the summer of finding that out. Of writing because it feels good. Of belly aches from laughing too hard, iced coffee on the beach, and awkward conversations with that person I think is cute. The summer of letting myself be me, unapologetically, before I start getting into hustle mode again. While, yes, of course I want a job, of course I want to do something that makes me happy, but I need to give myself space to let opportunities come along, rather than apply to 50 jobs desperately, so I will finally have an answer when someone asks me that So what do you do? question.
Here’s to being raw, unedited, and real. To hitting “post” on this without reading it over a million times. This one’s for me. Thanks for coming along for the ride.
