Okay. So there's something I've been thinking about for months, and I have been hesitant to write about it, because I don't want people to think that I don't want to support them. Because I do. The thought of helping another person smile or get through a tough moment quite literally gets me out of bed in the morning on days where it feels like the last thing I should be doing. And if you have had a conversation with me recently, you probably know that I adamantly tell people that they are not a burden. No matter what they are going through, they are deserving of love and care. However, mental illness, and mental health in general, has developed an underlying tone of competition.
That said, I think it's honesty time. I am guilty of this. I am guilty of measuring my problems based on other people's. Last night, I woke up around 3:00am with a panic attack. I felt like I couldn't breathe, but I was afraid to wake up my friends who were literally in the same room, because I felt like my problem wasn't "bad enough" to warrant their support. Trying to lie completely still so as not to wake them, I starting thinking through all of my options in my head - should I go outside? Should I take a shower? Should I go pet one of the kittens? Needless to say, I was confused and very overwhelmed. Over the past few months, here's the thing I've learned about mental illness: you will never feel like you are "sick enough". I honestly don't know if I'll ever truly believe that I have anxiety, even though I have a professional diagnosis. Because if you can't see it, society leads us to believe that it's not there. Because I don't have a cast for my brain, no one can see that I'm healing... not even me.
More than that it can be really invalidating for someone who is experiencing a crisis when other people neither see nor understand what is happening. Someone may have just had the worst panic attack of their life, or literally feel nothing because of depression. They may have only eaten a handful of crackers all day, and someone saying "yeah I was super stressed for that test too" or "I was so depressed when I hurt my ankle and couldn't go to the gym" and "good for you for going on a diet" can invalidate everything this person is going through. Because in that moment, it might cause that individual to deny their own illness. Because, at my worst, I denied mine. I thought because my anxiety was different from my friend's, mine must not be "real" anxiety. I'm not saying walk on eggshells around your friends - that's the last thing I would want someone to do with me. But what I am saying is, take what people tell you as true. If someone says they've had the worst day, ask them how you can help? Empathize with them. Sometimes you can't help, and that's okay. Just be there. If they say that they are okay, or they just want to be alone, let them do what they need to do. They've got this.
I know I've said before that what has helped me the most in my mental health journey is talking to other people who have experienced similar struggles. I still believe that. But the difference is, if someone also has GAD, I know that they truly "get it", and more often than not, they will know that I don't want to hear "yeah I had a really bad panic attack earlier too". It sometimes feels invalidating to imagine what people who haven't had the same struggles I have think when they hear "I had a panic attack".
Basically, what I want to say is if you're comparing your struggles to someone else's... stop. If you are going through a rough time, you deserve support and I promise you, your struggles are valid. You do not need to have the same experience as someone else to mean that you are sick, nor will it help you to think "oh, many others have it worse than I do". Take care of yourself first. If you find yourself becoming impatient with someone else's problem, check yourself. For those few minutes, the conversation is about them. My rule of thumb is, if I think I have a personal anecdote that can help someone feel less alone, I will ask them if they want to hear about my experience, to see if it can help them think through theirs. That way, it's their call. Because at the end of the day, if you make mental health a competition, I promise this is a competition you do not want to win. If you "win", you aren't living.
Be kind, and support one another. And remember your vulnerabilities can be your greatest asset.
- AG
