If you're anything like me, you probably see all of your flaws before you think of all the things you've done right lately. And the thing is, that's okay. Learning to treat yourself with kindness is like learning a new language. You have been so used to thinking negatively about yourself that it has become your "normal". It will take time to start treating yourself with kindness. But that doesn't mean that it's impossible.
Some days (honestly more days than I would like to admit) I feel stuck. I feel like I'm not doing enough, that every other 20-something university student is more impressive than I am, has had more experiences to set them apart from me, and that they all have it together. What I don't always realize is that I am enough. Even when I think I'm not. I am kind. Those around me know that I am a caring, loving, creative person. Honestly, this week has been brutal with several school projects and papers that have not gone as planned. It made me kind of start to self-destruct. But then I was able to remind myself that I am doing okay. And it is in that moment that I realized how far I have come this past year. I have good grades, I have great friends, and I am allowed to take time off. I am allowed to give myself a day to feel sad, stressed, or "lazy". While I know that everyone has different steps they take to get to a place of comfort with themselves, there are a few things that have helped me start to learn this beautiful language of self-love:
1) Taking self-care time. This is so underrated. I didn't even know what self-care was before I became an RA. But making self-care a priority in my life has made me come to see myself in a new way, as a woman who has value. It has made me start to see myself the way others see me.
2) Being unapologetically honest about what I'm going through. It's not fair to myself if I hide my feelings. It's not helpful if I pretend I'm happy when I'm not, or if I pretend I am okay and I'm not. I used to take on way too much. While yes, I often still do, I am not afraid to ask for help anymore. Letting myself be vulnerable has allowed me to start to accept who I am. Because the thing is, you are imperfectly perfect just the way you are. And honestly, you can't change who you are. You will never hate yourself into loving yourself.
3) Abandoning "food guilt" and diet culture. This one was arguably the hardest. It's so hard to avoid conversations involving calories, junk food, and weight talk. Conversations like these are everywhere in society. Fat shaming, skinny shaming, and body shaming in general is at an all-time high in my opinion. As someone who is just one of many who has struggled with body image, I knew something had to change. I can't tell you how much starting to really educate myself about food and the body positive community has allowed me to start to learn how to practice self-love. Literally no food is "bad". No food will make you gain weight if you consume it in moderation. If you are craving poutine, go for it. Guilt-free. Because one day your body might be craving kale or carrots, and it knows what it needs. It will even out in the long run. Remember the number on the scale does not define you. Learning to love how my stomach rolls when I sit down, my scars, my cellulite, and my frizzy hair has been hard. But it has been such a rewarding journey. I refuse to let myself be influenced by others' diet talk anymore. And I will never perpetuate diet culture ever again. There is room for every single food in your diet (i.e. the food you eat on the daily), and shaming yourself for what you choose to eat will only make you feel bad about yourself. Be kind to yourself, and please, God, never ever shame someone else for what they are eating. Like, ever. Just don't do it. Let them eat whatever they damn well please.
4) Calling myself and others out. When I notice myself thinking something negative about myself, or my body, I try to think of two positive thoughts in response. This helps me focus on my good qualities, while acknowledging my insecurities. Also, calling others out has been a huge act of self-love for me. I hate conflict. It is probably my least favourite thing on the planet. I used to be afraid to voice what I need, but honestly, if someone says something that offends me, pointing it out and advocating for myself and my needs is such a great act of self-love. It shows that I am prioritizing my own well-being, and, gradually, doing this will help you improve your self-image.
5) Surrounding yourself with good people and finding a passion. These two kind of came into my life at the same time. It was in discovering my passion that I became closer with the most amazing people, both friends I had before and new ones I have made in the past two years. It allowed me to connect with people on a deeper level, and surrounding myself with people who love me really helped me learn to love myself. These people remind me of my worth on days when I am really just not feeling it. Finding my passion was bittersweet. It came after I struggled. It came after months of stress, anxiety, and being overwhelmed. It came after months of tears, long nights, being sick pretty much all the time because I wasn't giving myself a break, and literally losing hair. But, I wouldn't change any of it, because becoming a mental health advocate has been the best thing to happen to me in my journey to find myself. I don't know where I will be in a few years. But I know what I want to fight for. I know what matters more to me than anything else. Finding a passion and fighting for something I believe in every single day makes me smile. It makes me love the person I am becoming.
Remember that self-love isn't always second-nature. It's a challenge, and you have to work at it. But don't be discouraged. You will get there, and loving yourself will be the best thing. Loving yourself will teach you to accept only what you deserve from others. It will allow you to move forward even on the bad days, knowing that there is a big, wide world out there just waiting to be explored.
- AG
