I've had problems sleeping for as long as I can remember. Yes, university makes my sleep schedule more erratic, I have literally spent countless nights staring at the ceiling since I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. Night has always been hard for me, and honestly, I hate when the sun goes down. Some people love night time. Honestly, I just don't. At all. Living with an anxiety disorder means that night is a breeding ground for my anxious thoughts. I can try to go to bed, but my mind reminds me of all the wrong things that I said that day, or that test that I have next week, or the fact that I forgot to message that friend back.
For people living with mental illness, night can be tough. For some, it can be calming. But for me, it's a challenge. Walking down the street in the dark, as a young woman, is terrifying. I always have my phone and keys in my hand in case I need help or to defend myself. Irrational? Maybe. But nevertheless even the slightest sound of the wind can make me jump when I'm walking alone at night. Night is a time where my brain likes to try to solve all the world's problems. Like, there is totally something you could have done to help the person struggling in the library with that Chemistry question last week (if you know me in real life, you'll know that I am probably the last person who can do science-y things). My brain tells me that I need to try harder the next day, that I need to get to sleep or I won't be at my best. But then, weirdly enough, worrying about how little sleep I am going to get makes me sleep less. It's a vicious cycle, but it's kind of comforting to know the reason for my years-long insomnia.
So, on nights like tonight, where calming my brain seems impossible and sleep doesn't come easy, I turn to these quotations. These are some of my favourites, and they remind me not only of all of the good in the world, but also of all the strength humans have.
1) “Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.”
2) “My dark days made me strong. Or maybe I already was strong and they made me prove it.”
3) "She made broken look beautiful and strong look invicible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it looks like a pair of wings."
4) "Instead of saying, I'm damaged, I'm broken, say I'm healing, I'm rediscovering myself, I'm starting over."
5) "I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was."
6) "Mental illness is light fighting a war in which the opponent's strategy is to convince you that the war isn't happening."
7) "Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life."
8) "You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously."
9) "I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me."
10) "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her."
