Last week, I turned twenty.
Okay. So I know that twenty is still basically a baby to a lot of people. I know I’m still very young, but I have also experienced a lot in my mere 20 years on the planet. I’ve seen a lot, both in my own life and in my jobs. So much has changed in my life, even in just the past two years. This holiday break, I’ve been the happiest I can remember myself being in a long time. I’m usually not a huge fan of birthdays (the whole *attention* thing), but I get to share December 30th with a pretty great twin sister, and this year I had an awesome time. So much self-care (and a lot of amazing food) later, 20 started off pretty great. Since I’m finally feeling happy with who I am, I thought I would share 20 things I’ve learned to get to this point.
Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s healthcare. Also, self-care isn’t just the “fun stuff”. Some days, it’s treating yourself to a long bath or your favourite winter drink, but sometimes it’s washing your sheets or doing the dishes. Self-care looks different for everyone, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t important. Prioritizing self-care in my life has changed my world for the better.
It’s okay not to be okay. Everyone gets it. Everyone has their own sh*t going on. And it’s okay to let others in. It’s okay if you aren’t feeling 100%. Just do what you need to do to get through the “now” and move forward J
I don’t need others to validate my worth. I don’t need someone to tell me they like my new haircut, or that my baking is really good, or that I’m a good student. I need to recognize my own worth. Waiting for others’ validation is frustrating, unhealthy, and, frankly, it just sucks. I need to feel worthy when I’m with others, and when I’m all by myself. (When my psychologist first said the words “self-soothe” I wanted to run. But in the end I guess she was right).
I am enough. Even on days when I’m rocking the 3-day bun that, who am I kidding, isn’t a “messy bun” for style (not that I have any... unless “tired student chic” is now on runways in NYC)… I haven’t had time to shower. I am enough after I get a C on an assignment. I am enough even when others tell me that I’m not. I’m enough when I don’t pick up on my friends’ pop culture references, when I don’t know who Sam Smith is, and I’d rather sit home with tea and the Hamilton soundtrack than bar hop. When I’d rather have solo dance-parties in my room than work the pole at the Dome.
I am allowed to feel beautiful. It doesn’t make me vain, or selfish. There are many days where I still feel self-conscious. Where I’ll change my outfit 4 times because I just can’t feel comfortable in my own skin. But I have come too far to not own it on the days that I am feeling myself. Because me recognizing my own beauty and self-worth doesn’t mean that I think I’m better than anybody else. It means that I recognize what a kind, strong, beautiful woman I have become. It means that I recognize that beauty comes in different forms, and genuinely liking the soul that I’ve got.
Eating well matters. This one is tricky for me to write about, because I do not support diet culture. That’s not what I mean by this. “Eating well” looks different for everyone, too. Eating well means balance. For me, it means that some days I’ll eat an entire pizza and drink my weight in coffee, while others I will be loving my kale and quinoa salad. Eating well, to me, means having a healthy relationship with food. It means drinking enough water (don’t even get me started on how much it sucks to be dehydrated… oh, and by the way, by the time you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated – thanks 811!). Whatever you choose to eat, make sure that you’re getting the nutrients your body needs – especially if you do choose to go on a diet… cutting out any food group can be really bad for your health, and if you are serious about restricting the foods you are eating, I encourage you to speak with a dietician before taking matters into your own hands. Fad diets are often unhealthy, even if they claim to be.
Exercise matters, but it’s not everything. Exercise can be fun. It can be calming, and great self-care. That said, if you are someone who really doesn’t like going to the gym, you do you. Some people’s exercise is going for a walk in the fresh air, getting up and moving every hour when they are studying, or going to a yoga class. Lifting weights in the DalPlex isn’t the only way to exercise or stay healthy. Some days, I will sit in bed and do pretty well nothing. Other days, all I want is to go for a hike, run on the track, or go to a yoga class. And, again, I feel like it’s necessary at the time of New Years Resolutions, to point out that over-exercise is a thing. Your body needs rest. That’s why all professional athletes have “recovery” days. Don’t feel bad for missing the gym one day if you’ve been 6 days in a row. Listen to your body. It matters, and it was designed to keep you healthy.
The people who are meant to stay in my life will. It’s so exhausting to play mind games, and wonder if people in my life want to be there, if I’m offending them, etc. A lot of the time, I’ll worry about the relationships in my life anyways, because of my annoying little brain (thanks anxiety!!!!!). But, since I have started to work on abandoning these fears, I’ve been much happier. A friend once told me that if I offended someone, it’s on them to tell me. If I am overwhelming them or they want some space, it’s their responsibility to verbalize that. If people want to stay in my life, they will. It’s okay to let myself be loved. People don’t always leave. On the other hand, it’s okay to let toxic people go. It doesn’t decrease my value as a person. Sometimes people don’t *click*, and that’s okay.
There is strength in vulnerability. Sometimes, being your most authentic self can be terrifying. It’s scary to share your feelings because they’re…well… personal. But there is also nothing that connects you with others more. Since I started writing for Wear Your Label, and since I’ve given myself permission to be open about my emotions, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And again, if someone is uncomfortable with something I say, or if they are tired of reading another article or blog post, they don’t have to read it. They don’t have to stay in my life. I am where I am because of others’ writing. Because of Gina of @nourishandeat, WYL’s fab CEO Kayley’s blog, and others who are unapologetically them. I want to be that person for someone. How many people I have connected with over this past semester has been phenomenal. And now that I’ve started talking I know the conversation is so far from over. Who says one person can’t change the world? There are people who haven’t changed the whole world, but they’ve certainly changed mine.
If you find people who love to be weird with you, and love you for your weirdness, never let them go. It’s okay to be weird. In my opinion, all of the best people are ;) Embracing my unique qualities, instead of stifling them, has made self-love so much easier.
You are allowed to be alone. You don’t need to be in a relationship because it feels like everyone else is. Be your introverted little self with pride! You are allowed to take as much time as you need for you. And if you enjoy spending more time alone than with others, that’s perfectly okay too. :)
“Acting your age” is overrated. As someone who, frankly, has always been responsible and pretty mature for my age, this is something I’ve heard a lot. It seriously didn’t even occur to me that I could hang out with friends or do something other than homework after school until like grade 11 (like I said, I’m a little weird and proud of it). I spent hundreds of nights in high school at rehearsal until 10 or 11pm, or all day on Saturday. One New Years’ Eve, I even programmed lights in our school’s theatre (actually so much fun). When most people were going to sweet 16 parties, I was learning how to call a show over a headset, how to hang lights, and keep dancers from injuring themselves (thank you Coke and a mop bucket for saving the day on a very slippery stage) as my first experience Stage Managing. And since I turned 19, people thought it was weird that I wasn’t constantly looking for a bar, wasn’t that interested in drinking, and didn’t want to sneak out of my house in high school. “Are you dating anyone?” became so common I learned to deflect the question. But you know what? I might be a 20-year-old with the soul and interests of an 80-year-old grandmother, and I’m totally okay with that. I can’t act my age. There’s no such thing as “normal”, in my opinion, but moving across the country at 17, becoming an RA, and supporting people through mental health crises made me grow up pretty quickly. I’m happiest when snuggled up with a soft pillow, a glass of wine or tea, and a good book, and if that’s not “acting my age”, that’s okay; you do you, and I’m still gonna do me.
It’s okay to say no. This has taken me forever to learn, but it really is okay.
People will respect you for your honesty. If you are open about your needs, if you call someone out when they offend you, if you say that you aren’t comfortable with something or you just don’t want to… that’s okay. In my experience, it only makes people respect you more. Sure, they might be thrown off at first (people generally dislike being called out on their sh*t), but, once they’ve processed, it’s all good.
Do not apologize for who you are. Never. You are so absolutely magnificent.
Be unapologetically you. Find confidence within yourself. Learn how to love yourself (it’s damn hard, but so incredibly worth it). Find the spark within you and light a fire. This is hands down the thing that has brought me the most happiness lately.
Celebrate the little things. Got an A on a paper? Go out for drinks (or tea if that’s what your into). Nailed that presentation? YAY YOU! order a pizza. Call your mom. Have a dance party with your best friend when you had an actual not-tongue-tied conversation with your crush (because you’re basically married now, right?!)
Everybody makes mistakes. Your best friend, your professor, your parents. Everyone deserves forgiveness, and a second chance. If you make a mistake, own it, and move on. It’s okay.
Nobody knows what they are doing. Being twenty-something can be really weird, because it kinda feels like you are expected to have your life together, and have a plan. But, ask anyone… they’re probably just taking it day by day like you. It’s okay to be uncertain of the future. I graduate in a year and a half and honestly, my plans have ranged from applying to OT school right away, taking a year to travel the world, or going to learn a new language. Who knows where I'll be in a year, but that's okay. Go out and live your life like the beautiful badass you are, and the rest will follow.
Find your own little bubble of positivity. Recently, my friends and I were talking, and I realized that I’ve kinda placed myself in this little bubble. It’s not really like the real world, and every so often I step out of my bubble only to instantly retreat back to it. I mostly associate myself with positive, like-minded people. I volunteer and work with organizations that attract people with my mindset and values. So, I’m okay with living in a tiny sliver of the world if it means I’m around people who love me and make me feel good. I can still educate myself and try to check my own ignorance without stepping too far out of my comfort zone. So, if you want to, find your own little bubble. It’s pretty awesome.
