The other day, my friend Mary and I were talking about an upcoming mental health panel that we are planning. While we were thinking of different themes for the panel, Mary suggested “your struggle is your sword”. I realized that I wholeheartedly believe this. I believe that the things people have been through can be their greatest strength. I believe that this has happened to me. And, since thinking of my anxiety as having a mind of its own, rather than something I consciously choose to engage in, has helped me, I thought I would write a letter to my mental health challenges. This weekend, I’m feeling grateful for what I’ve been through. So, for once, I want to thank my anxiety.
Dear Anxiety,
Thank you. Despite all the sleepless nights, the times I wake up with debilitating nightmares, the days I think that my friends must be lying when they tell me they love me… you taught me to be grateful. As hard as it is to struggle, you taught me to accept the love that others show me. Because even though I may have panic attacks, I’m learning I don’t have to feel guilty that others want to help. I would want to help someone else too.
Thank you. You’ve helped me find “my people”. Because as much as I initially hated waiting in doctors’ offices, going to therapy, and quiet walks alone, I’ve met some pretty amazing people in the strangest of places. You helped me realize the power of “me too”. Although I hate the days where you make me feel like I’m not good enough, I’ve learned a lot during our journey together. You taught me how to love unconditionally. You’ve given me a different perspective. Because of you, I’ve learned to be more sensitive to others, and how to help someone when they are in a not-so-great place. Because of you, I challenge myself every single day to work towards better for myself, and for those around me. I applied to work with my dream company (I’m lookin’ at you WYL), I found a passion I didn’t know I had before, and I am more in touch with my own needs than I can ever remember myself being before you came along.
Dear Dermatillomania,
You’re anxiety’s fun little side-kick, eh? Oh, excoriation… if we’re being honest, at times, I like you least of all. I hate the way you sneak up when I’m at my most anxious. I hate how ashamed I am of you. I hate that writing this makes my stomach churn. But, in a way, I’ve learned more from you than anything else. You taught me that I’m worth more than the quality of my skin. You taught me that there are some things I can’t change, but I can still try to care for myself as best I can. I think you were the first thing to push me towards the body positivity community. Because I am more than the scratches you leave when I’m at my most anxious. I am more than the blood on my raw hands after a particularly cold day, when your little voice makes me focus on this part of me more than anything else that day.
Dear Bad Body Image,
You have been with me for a while. Making me second-guess what I wear, why someone is looking at me… literally every small detail about myself on some days. Thank you. You made me learn to love my cellulite, the way my stomach rolls when I sit down, and my round face that used to make me cringe when I looked in the mirror. You made me educate myself on so many different struggles, you connected me with amazing people, and you made me realize that so many people have been there. I am most grateful to you on the days where I realize how much you have changed my life. I am so thankful for the days where you occupy my mind, but I can still choose to love myself, and practice more self-care on these days, instead of engage in self-destructive thoughts. Thank you for showing me how much I love chocolate. Thank you for making me un-learn what years of growing up in a diet-centric culture has taught me. Thank you for making me realize that your body is not the same shape all day every day. Thank you for making me understand the importance of eating well, nourishing your body with foods that make you feel good, and getting enough water.
Dear Anxiety, Excoriation, and Bad Body Image… Thank you. You’ve all made me a better person. Even though some days I’m still a hot mess, some days I can’t stand the thought of going out and facing the world and all I feel like is a burden… you taught me to love myself. I would never wish my time with you away, because while you hurt me more than anything ever has, you made me stronger. You made me wiser. You helped me find my voice, and you helped me find myself.
Even if you don’t go away for a while, I’m ready for you, and you better believe I’ll learn from what you have to teach me.
Ally
