For a long time, I’ve been self-conscious about not doing things “on time”. Those who know me know that I am a very punctual person. Tell me to meet at 12:30? I’ll be there at 12:29. I know that this is probably a by-product of my anxiety, but I would much rather be waiting for someone else than have them waiting for me. This has probably been the source of 90% of conflict I've had with family and friends, because being late makes me super anxious and uncomfortable for some reason, more so than pretty much anyone else I know. So, for someone who is super on-time in general, it might be weird for me to be writing this.
What I mean by all of this is that I think that, growing up, somewhere along the way I developed some pre-conceived ideal in my head of when I was supposed to hit certain milestones. And, obviously, when my life didn’t match up to what I thought it would be, I would feel bad about myself. This could be about absolutely anything, from first jobs and first dates, to moving away on my own and finishing classes and course work *on time*.
It’s so weird, because in the grand scheme of life… I’m 20. I’ve done a heck of a lot so far in my mere two decades on this planet. I have had so many interesting jobs, volunteered with my dream companies and organizations, and moved 1800km away from home at 17. Sometimes it blows my mind to think of that... I couldn't vote, sign a lease, drive between the hours of midnight and 5am, or book a flight home, but here I was, so far from home and everything I'd ever known. There’s no timeline for those sorts of things. I’ve learned that I usually don’t do things like most people my age do. I would feel bad, especially when loved ones made jokes about how I should “just be a kid” or have “drunk horror stories”, and things like that. I thought that I wouldn’t have the true university experience unless I filled a certain checklist.
The couple of months before I turned 20, especially, I was thinking of all of the “firsts” I should have had by now, instead of all of the remarkable things I’ve already done. Maybe I never had a fake ID, but I moved across the country at 17. I haven’t yet had a “first apartment” story, but I’ve learned so much about myself and the world from being an RA these past two years. I might be in French classes with second and first years, but I found my voice this year and have fully embraced mental health advocacy and recovery. I’ve met so many great people lately, even if I’m not in a serious relationship right now. People ask me to share my story because they think I have lots to say. They want to hear my opinions. That thought was so weird to me… because here I am, basically just a lost kid who doesn’t know what she is doing, and people think that my experiences have been unique and valuable. On days when I feel like the world is beating me down, and I don't deserve to live the privileged life I do, people still reach out to me. They still need me. This got me thinking. Maybe I might not be a “typical” student, daughter, friend, or employee, but I am figuring this whole *adulting* thing out, and that’s good enough for me right now.
Today, I met with a professor to try to figure out if I could graduate “on time”. Turns out, with a couple of summer classes, I will be able to graduate in June 2018 as I originally thought 3 years ago. While she was so fantastic, and I am really lucky to have the supportive faculty that I do (Theatre Studies… It’s the best y’all), I did have to wonder why I was so desperate to hit this milestone within the next 18 months. Don’t ask me why this was such an important thing to me, but graduating with honours is kind of what I have been measuring my success on over the past couple of years. In high school, I learned to identify myself as a straight-A student. Even still, I sometimes catch myself feeling overwhelmed and crushed when I get anything less than an 85 (yes, fellow uni students, I know this is unrealistic, but my perfectionism doesn't). It’s not easy to break the mindset that I grew up in, but I’m realizing that my “normal” and my “timeline” isn’t set already. It’s constantly changing, and that’s okay. I’m okay. Sometimes, my anxiety tells me that if I get anything less than an A, no one will want to be my honours advisor. No one will want to be my reference to grad school. Sometimes, my mind tells me that if I don’t respond to that email or text right away, something awful will happen (apparently if you are super over-committed and working a ton of jobs at once, you basically use your email like it’s oxygen... who knew?) But, the thing is, it’s okay. Sometimes I have to take a step back, remember to breathe. Go for a run, or hug a pillow. Sometimes I need to watch hedgehog and puppy videos on YouTube, and just let myself *be*. Sometimes, like tonight, I need to write so that I can think things through. Sometimes all I can do is remind myself that I’m 20. I don’t have to have it all figured out yet, I don’t have to check some boxes on my “mimicking a fully-functioning adult” checklist, and I can sometimes just let myself be… well… 20.
If you are anything like me, and you stress about things that A) you can’t change and B) are neither realistic nor set by anyone but yourself… take a step back. Breathe, prioritize, and take some time to reassess what matters. Try to figure out what you want, how you are going to achieve it, and maybe change your self-imposed “timeline” to be more realistic. Be forgiving of yourself. You are doing the best you can, and that’s more than okay.
