I can't stop smiling. And I am going to celebrate this, and be grateful every day. Because I worked so hard to get to where I am. It took me so long to get here, and there are many things I've learned along the way.
First of all, happiness is possible. I remember in about January of my second year of university, I was crying on my friend's couch. The reason? For a few minutes, at a stop light, I felt happy. For a few months before, I thought that what I was feeling was happiness... but this felt different. I was crying because I hadn't felt that in so long, and I didn't know how to get back there, and feel like that every day. My friend just said, "Okay, well then let's get you there". And you know what? It took a damn long time to get there. It took tears. It took long hours of talking about things I never wanted to talk about. It took sleepless nights, and moments where I thought I would never be happy ever again. It took weeks of never wanting to leave my bed, and dozens of panic attacks because it all felt like too much.
I really don't know how to explain it, but one day, things just felt *easier*. This "one day" wasn't the next week. Try a whole year later. It's like something clicked in my head, and I just realized that this was all worth it. I often hear that "happiness happens by choice, not by chance". I don't believe that everyone can just choose happiness. Depending on the place you're at in your life, it can be really really hard to see a way out of your sadness, anxiety, and confusion. But, at a certain point, I do believe that this is true. Once I stopped letting others' emotions and pain cause my own, things got easier, and I got happier. I can't choose to be happy all the time, no more than I can just choose to be excited whenever I want. But, I can choose to look on the bright side. I can choose to see the good in people.
I used to think that others' happiness and my own were mutually exclusive. When I was younger, I could have been super happy, and then someone would mention that they were having a bad day, that they were upset, or weren't having a good time, and I would take that on myself. I would think that I didn't deserve to be happy, because my friends weren't. If you have a friend that is going through a rough time, it's hard. Especially when you can't help. Because you care about them, and seeing the ones you love in pain makes you feel helpless and incredibly lost. But, one day, my friend asked me "how does you being upset make them feel better?" And you know what? It doesn't. Recently, I realized that I can be happy and still have friends who are struggling. I can be happy in general and have a bad day. I can be a support to people, and be a good person and still let myself be happy. We are our own worst critics, and while I wish I could have shortened the tough time that I went through, I would never wish it away, because going through all that made me a better person. It made me think about things in a different way, and it made me understand what happiness is.
Happiness is possible, because I found it. And you can too. For all of my friends who are going through a tough time right now, I know it's hard to see a way out of that when you're so deep into it. But it can and will get better. One day, it will just feel *easier*. I don't know when, but I know it will. And until then, don't be afraid to reach out to the supports you have, and all the people who are rooting for you.
Ally
