These past few days have been.... challenging, to say the least. I'm someone who is pretty much always overcommitted, and I guess all of that finally caught up with my body. I was exhausted, I couldn't stop shaking, and I couldn't keep any food down. My doctor told me to stay in bed, and my initial reaction was no way, I have way too much to do and you can't just tell me to stop doing it all. This statement made me super anxious, and the thought of not being able to manage all of my commitments while so sick put me in a really bad place. But, I had to let that go. Because after a week of feeling just generally gross, I needed some self-care. It wasn't until my boss said "you can't just do nothing, because this isn't going to go away on its own" that I realized if anyone else were feeling that ill, I would tell them to take some time. While I am so grateful to the people who were there with me, going with my to doctors appointments, and making sure I felt supported while stuck in bed (shoutout to the friends who brought me food when I couldn't get out of bed), I got better because of the time I put in, and deciding to give in and be unapologetically in my bed for a couple of days.
Especially when you live with an anxiety disorder, staying in bed can be really damn stressful. I probably didn't stay in bed as much as I should have, just because I didn't want to be trapped alone with my thoughts, and I am a person who very much values hustle. We've all heard the stories from our parents and grandparents, who built their success from their hard work. I never want people to think that I'm lazy, and I never want to ignore my responsibilities. Quite literally, I will work so hard to make others' lives easier that I will make myself sick. I worried about what others would think if I had to cancel a rehearsal, if I had to say no, if I had to miss a class. In fact, this week was the first week ever Iet myself miss a day of class. Even in high school, I could never miss class. The thought would make me too anxious. I actually emailed my professors, and spoke to two in person, and they were so great about it. They told me that ultimately, my health is more important than attending their classes. One of my professors offered that I could do an oral presentation later in the week when I was feeling better, but I still wanted to do it *on time*. Realistically, I shouldn't have been in that class. As soon as the presentation was over, I ran to the bathroom because I was so sick, and public speaking while sick and anxious instantly affects my stomach. My professor was absolutely amazing, though. When I came back to class to get my things, she said just breathe, you're doing great. She may not have known how much those words meant to me in that moment, and being that anxious in front of a professor who I respect so much that I hope to have her as an honours advisor was not at all fun. It was scary AF. BUT, she reminded me that I have to trust others, and I have to trust myself.
If you are able to speak to professors and get some extra support from them, I would definitely recommend that. I'm super lucky that my program is so small (Theatre Studies is only like 12 people), and that we all know each other really well and care for each other, and my professors know my work ethic. Ultimately, I said no. I said I couldn't go to class. I gave in to the rest my body so desperately needed, and it all turned out fine. I cancelled those meetings. I cancelled a talk I was supposed to give this Saturday, because I just need to take some time to feel better. And that's more than okay.
At the end of the day, the people who you surround yourself with will hopefully understand when you say that you need time to take care of yourself. Especially this time of year, when so many people are sick. It doesn't matter if you are physically or mentally sick... you deserve to treat yourself with care no matter what, and give your body what it needs.
So, I quit. I said no. And I'm okay. I'm doing better for it. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I am not my GPA. I am not the number of people I can support on a given day, I'm not the amount of times I say yes when someone needs me. My health is so much more important than an extra 2% on an assignment, and I'll take health over hustle any day.
Take care of yourselves. You matter.
Ally
