No one tells you, when you are recovering from any illness, that there will be ups and downs. No one tells you to expect things to get way worse before they get better, then get really really great, then not so great, until you learn what works for you. No one tells you how hard it is to handle the set-backs... how it might make you feel like you've failed.
You've probably heard the words "recovery is a process" many times before. I didn't really know what this meant. I thought it was just one of those things that people said to make those who were struggling feel better. Recovery is f*cking hard. And there are so many things I wish I could tell younger me. I wish I could tell her that she's going to go through weeks of feeling great, and like she's "beat" this illness of hers. But, it comes back. I wish I could tell her that one anxious day doesn't negate all of her recovery. That one day of anger and discomfort after trying on a too-small pair of jeans at the mall doesn't mean she hasn't moved mountains in terms of body acceptance. I wish I could tell her to breathe, go slowly, and trust herself.
I have tried many, many different things throughout my recovery. I have tried mindfulness apps, aromatherapy, yoga, individual and group counselling, WellTrack, running, meditation, reading others' memoirs and recovery stories... pretty much, if it's out there, I've probably either tried it or read about it. These are the things that have been most helpful to me in managing the ups and the downs of recovery. (**Disclaimer**: I can only speak for myself and my own recovery here... I'm not a professional, nor am I suggesting that recovery is the same for different people... it's a super personal process).
1) Learning about natural wellness. My friends who are studying medicine, or those who are science majors might joke about the theatre major and all her essential oils... but seriously, it's really helped me. Learning about substances found in nature that can help me has been a game-changer for me. Carrot oil can make your skin soft? Cool. Peppermint can help with headaches? Awesome. Learning about natural remedies has helped me start to accept myself the way I am... these things existing in nature are so useful, and have a purpose just by existing. I do too. They grow and thrive in their natural environments, left to their own devices. Maybe I can too. Natural wellness products and remedies have helped me understand that there's already a *plan* for me, my life, and my body. I can't always control what happens, but that doesn't mean that it's not going to be great or beautiful.
2) Cutting my own hair, and letting it grow. When I was younger, I used to straighten my hair every day. My not-quite-wavy yet not-quite-straight hair was a huge insecurity of mine. Especially since I started developing trich habits, I've been trying to take extra good care of my hair, and keeping it healthy. My friend Kayley mentioned in her latest blog post that cutting her own hair helped her manage her trichotillomania, and I thought I'd give it a try. While obviously, I didn't chop a bunch of inches off of my own hair, cutting away the split ends and dead hair makes me feel so much better, and healthier.
3) Movement/Exercise. This is super tricky, and please, please be careful in making sure you aren't overexercising, or doing it as a symptom of an eating disorder, or another illness. Keep it healthy, okay? :) For me, a huge step forward in terms of both my anxiety and body acceptance has been trying to focus on being strong, and what my body can do. Some days, I can hardly exercise at all because as soon as my heart starts pounding it reminds me of a panic attack. But sometimes, it helps release so much of my stress, and makes me feel really good. I'm learning what works for me, and what's fun for me, but I just love learning new things about what my body can do, and how strong it is. So some days this means I'm lifting weights in the gym, but some days it means going to relaxation yoga. Whatever works for me that day.
4) Going for walks. I always forget how good it feels to get outside in the cold, winter air, and how much it helps clear my head and erase some of my anxiety. Everything is put into perspective for me when I can get some physical distance from my worries. I have a love-hate relationship with the summer, because while it's so great and fun, cold air really does make me feel a million times better. As soon as I start feeling even the slightest bit anxious, I open a window. Learning how much this helps me has helped me ride out the bad days, and celebrate the good ones.
5) Talking. I never wanted to talk about myself. I never wanted to talk about what I was going through. It took me 4 months to even hear my psychologist say the word "anxiety" without me rolling my eyes or tuning out, because that's definitely something only other people go through, right?! Sharing my story empowers me. It reminds me that I am the author of my own story, and only I control its narrative. Talking allowed me to work through more feelings than I ever thought a single person could have (shoutout to my psychologist for being the real MVP on that one), and it has helped me find my place in a world that was growing increasingly confusing and overwhelming. I found my place in mental health advocacy, and my recovery fell into place around it. Talking allowed me to surround myself with people who are patient, kind, and understanding, and who remind me about the good days when I'm not feeling so great. These people help me ride the ups and downs of recovery.
So to those of you beginning the wild ride that is recovery... you can do this. For those of you in the middle of it, to those who consider themselves *recovered*, and those who think there is no such thing as fully recovered, and only life *in recovery*, I am so proud of you. Keep trekking, and remember that you are the author of your own story. Keep writing.
Ally
