The more I learn, and the more I grow, the more I realize that things in my life needed to change. From the time I was a little girl, I've been under a lot of pressure. Honestly, I'm not sure where it all came from. Growing up, my parents always said "just do your best", and "it's okay to fail", and always stressed that my health was more important than my grades. I think somewhere along the way, when I didn't know who I was, I decided that who I wanted to be was the girl who looked perfect on the outside, even if it meant feeling a little cracked on the inside. Even if this meant feeling nauseous from stress, or losing sleep because of an upcoming test. Even when I was over-committed, I still defined myself as the girl who gets straight-As, the student leader, the stage manager. I remember long rehearsals where I would be calling a show in the booth, while studying for AP history, because what else would I be doing... sleep certainly wasn't for girls who wanted to be successful.
I started at my high school in grade 7 (it was grades 1-12), and it was good for me in so many ways. It brought me to some of the most amazing friends, helped me see myself as capable, and let me excel academically. It fed my love for learning and knowledge, and helped me discover my passion for theatre. I was able to learn more about myself, and thrive in the small-school environment. I'm super lucky, because our theatre was beautiful, and I got to learn so much about stage management and theatre production under some pretty great mentors. That being said, for a number of reasons, the school developed this extremely stressful underlying competition. It bred anxiety and perfectionism. I remember from the time we were 13 years old, girls would be in tears after getting anything less than an A, because top universities "wouldn't want a girl who gets a B". In hindsight, this mindset was destructive.
I realized this week, I no longer know what a "good" GPA is. I know that everyone wants that 4.0, and I know a few people who even graduated from their first degree with a 4.3 GPA. After being a university student for 3 years, I honestly don't know how this is possible. The 4.0 I worked so hard for, that I lost sleep over, that I would have panic attacks for in my first and second years... I had to let it go this year. I needed a 3.7 GPA to keep my scholarship, but I didn't want to just do "well enough"... as a perfectionist, and someone who is way too hard on herself, I convinced myself that I needed that 4.0. But this semester, I realized I need to let go of this mindset. Because at the end of the day, my "best" was making me sick. I was so worried about looking perfect on paper for grad schools, of having other people think I had my life together and had sorted out this whole *adulting* thing, that I forgot about my own needs.
After spending time to re-evaluate these past two days (thanks Maritimes snowpocalypse!), I realized that I need to let thinks go a little more. I need to recognize that I can't be in control of everything. All I can do is nourish myself, and let my body be comfortable at its natural size. I can try my best at school, do my readings and assignments, and not be too hard on myself if I don't get that A. Because a 0.1 drop in your GPA.... it's okay. A 1.0 drop in your GPA is okay. My whole world didn't explode. My friend, Addie, told me today that she thinks of her job kind of like her soul mate... that your GPA doesn't define you, and that an employer is, first and foremost, looking for a positive attitude. Check out her blog here - she's pretty awesome :)
Basically, you do you. Because your mental and physical health comes before everything else. Fail a course? You can always repeat it. Get rejected from your dream school? You'll figure it out. You can always reapply. Lose that scholarship? You'll make it work. I promise you the stress is not worth it, and you will never regret taking care of yourself.
Don't forget to breathe, go slowly, and take things day by day. You've got this.
Ally
