I am fortunate enough to be able to speak to many people every day, in many different capacities. One of the most common questions I am asked is "what do you wish you had known when you were younger?" I've given this a lot of thought over these past few months, and it's changed my perspective. A while ago, I decided to start writing letters to my "flaws", to help me come to terms with them, and to help me forgive myself for not being perfect. It was hard, it was surprising, and most of all, it was freeing.This is one of those letters.
Dear Younger Me,
There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many beliefs you hold which I want to remind you to unwaveringly keep. There are so many fears you harbour that I wish I could take away. The thing is, you are exquisite. You don't believe this yet, and you won't for a while. But there isn't anything wrong with you - there never was. The hard thing about being a teenager is that people tell you that high school sucks. They tell you that you aren't supposed to like it, but that you just have to get through it. Your feelings are valid, girl. What you are going through is real, even if you and others can't see it just yet. There are people who are going to try to take away your light, but you hold on to it tight, okay? Take it from your post-teenager self... as soon as you hit *adulthood*, your struggles aren't as brushed aside anymore. But, care is also harder to access.
You are more than the number on the scale. You are more than your troubled skin, your small size, or how you feel changing before gym class. You don't need to be invited to that party or date someone before you are ready to just so you can fit in. There will be many day in rehearsal where you run out of makeup, and you don't have time to buy more until the end of the week. You will feel super self-conscious about it, and uncomfortable. One of your friends will tell you Ally... you really don't look different or worse without makeup. She is right. Being able to walk around without makeup, without straightening your hair, without hiding yourself from the world... it is the most freeing feeling, and once you learn how to do this, you will start to care for yourself so much more. There will be days where you haven't eaten much, and your friends will remind you of how important it is to take care of yourself to be the best student you can be. Listen to them. Self-care isn't selfish. You need to have both a healthy mind and a healthy body to be your best self. There will be a couple of months in your first year of university where you don't feel like you fit in. Give yourself time... it's only been a couple of weeks... you don't make your best friends in an hour, and you just moved across the country. You're doing fine. The first time someone swears at you or threatens you when you're an RA, the first time someone tells you that you're destined to fail because of what you are studying, because you are so young starting out, or any number of things... it'll all be okay.
I wish I could tell you that you don't have to be perfect. That people love you. More importantly, you deserve to be loved. You love others, and they love you. You aren't the exception. You are kind, you are generous, you are witty. You are a great friend. You are allowed to let yourself be loved - not everyone walks away. What's more, the ones who do aren't worth your time anyways. There will be weeks, months, even years where you don't advocate for yourself because you don't want to start a fight. There will be times where you are afraid to follow your passion because it's not necessarily an easy one, and you don't want to draw attention to yourself. But, listen. You don't have to make yourself feel small. You don't have to say hurtful things to yourself before others can hurt you. You don't have to make yourself disappear. Everything happens for a reason, and I believe that good people have a way of getting through even the toughest adversity.
And Ally, listen. When people reach out to support you, don't push them away. Accept their help. Accept their love. And your psychologist? Yeah, you won't hate her. You'll think you do, but you'll really just hate what she's trying to get you to work through. Let her help you, listen to her advice, and more than anything trust yourself. Because you are the only person who can make you happy. It's not some magic pill, it's not a climate, a pet, or a partner. You are the one who has to choose recovery, strength, and happiness every single day. You are allowed to feel all the things, but don't forget to take care of yourself along the way.
Breathe. You're allowed to stumble. You're allowed to fall. That's okay, and most of all, you're never alone.
All my love,
Ally
