I don't know where to start. There are so many words in my heart that my brain just can't articulate. I was trying to draw to relax before bed, and I realized that what I really wanted to do was write.
I am so grateful. I am thankful for the other campus reps I have met through Wear Your Label. I am grateful for my rock Cait, who I was so nervous to meet just a few short months ago. I am a big believer in the idea that everyone has a few people in their life that change them for the better: for me, Cait is one of these people. After getting home super late last night (early this morning?), I was basically sleep-walking to class. When I got home, I was surprised by a lovely card from Cait (shown in the picture below), in an envelope that read "warning: contains glitter". Cait constantly reminds me of all the little things there are to be happy about and excited for, and though I am fortunate enough to have had many people encourage me to recover, Cait is definitely the person who fuelled my desire to recover for myself. I think before, I was doing it for others, or because it was another thing I was expected to do. Cait helped me realize that the person I should be finding self-love for is... myself!
This semester has been eye-opening. I have learned so much in such a short time. I learn more about my own needs every single day, and I'm connecting with people on a deeper level, about the *real* things. And that feels amazing. While sitting in my room tonight, thinking about everything I have to do for tomorrow, I got this overwhelming feeling of pride. I am finally so proud of myself. I have learned that saying "no" is the greatest act of self-love. I, self-admittedly, a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself, and don't just want to do well... I want to be the overachiever. I actually don't even know if it's a want at this point... it's more of something that is second-nature to me. By this, I mean that it doesn't occur to me that meeting expectations is enough. So today, I changed my plans. I decided to switch some courses around, and finish my degree in a way that makes me happy, even if it's not the most impressive option for my resume.
Later this evening, I opened an email from my professor, and it really made me realize how far I've come in terms of my openness with people, and my comfort with sharing how I'm doing and what I need. This professor was giving feedback and comments on a presentation I gave a couple of weeks ago, and thanked me for sharing what I was able to during a particularly stressful week. I don't think she realized that such a small gesture on her part, a quick email, changed my day. It is so incredible to find professionals who "get it". And the more I talk to people, the more I realize that so many people do.
So tonight, I am also excited. Because now, sitting alone, more days than not, I am content. I am happy with who I am becoming, and I have genuinely started to feel beautiful. I am starting to see myself the way others see me. That said, I am still a work-in-progress when it comes to being around other people, and managing that negative self-talk when there are others around. But finding comfort in solace rather than fear has been more liberating that I could even begin to describe.
I don't know what I'm trying to say in this post, really. I'm just happy. And I want you all to know that you can be happy too. Even if it seems far away, even if it seems like it can only happen for other people... you can. And you are beautiful... seriously. Even if you can't see it, and even if you don't look like the people in magazines... you are. I am so proud of you and to those of you reading this blog, thank you for coming on this journey with me.
