Sometimes things don't go as played. And that's okay. For as long as I can remember, I have let preconceived ideas of what I should be doing rule my life. I should be a straight-A student. I should be creative. I should be a leader, volunteer, have a job, and have lots of friends. I should be in a relationship, be a size 2, and be happy through it all. While some of those "should"s happened, they can't all happen together if I am going to be happy, healthy, and safe. I work so hard in school and study for most of every day, but I can't measure my self-worth in grades I get back, because I'm not perfect. Nobody is. I can't let the possibility of getting a B devastate me, as I have in the past. (I know that this is still a good grade... I'm so hard on myself and trying to learn to be more kind to myself). I had to accept that my body cannot be a size 2, or 100 pounds. And if I'm being realistic, I will not love myself 20 pounds from now if I don't love myself as I am today. I will never hate myself into loving myself. I have to let go of my own self-consciousness when it comes to body image, because I can't change the body I was born into, and it's pretty great at carrying me through the amazing life I have - it isn't *who I am*, but it is my home. What really matters is that I am kind, I am empathetic, and I am witty. I have truly amazing friends who would do anything for me, and remind me more of my worth every single day, even when I can't remind myself. They have taught me what love truly means, and that is more important than any of my "should"s ever could be.
This week, I took a leap of faith. I rearranged some things, and am able to take electives next year for the first time in 3 years (!!!!!). I am able to take less than a full course load. While I know I have been taking expended course loads over the past 3 years (did I mention I expect too much of myself?!?!), for a while I didn't want to let myself take less than my self-approved 6 courses because I told myself I would be a disappointment. But I won't be. And my health comes first, always. I'm trying to teach myself that one major is okay. One degree is okay. One day at a time.
This week has hit me harder than I could have imagined. So much happened that I wasn't expecting, and I'm very proud of myself for how well I've been managing all things considered. That being said, I did need to take a step back and think about what was realistic for me, and what I really wanted. Right now, I am content, knowing that next year I will be in a safe and comfortable home, finishing a degree I love, and taking time to study things I won't have another opportunity to outside of undergrad. I am giving myself more time for me, my volunteer commitments, and time to collaborate with my favourite organizations. I am giving myself time to find my voice before I need to be a *real* adult.
I think it's important to share these things, because there are so many "should"s that we create for ourselves. And it can be really limiting and scary to box yourself in to these ideals. At a certain point, they stop being markers of "success" because you crumble under the weight of all your own expectations. My psychologist told me recently that how I'm living, overcommitting myself, is "like nailing Jell-O to a tree". It kind of works... for pieces of it... but there are so many better ways I could find a solution. Over the next few days, and just in general, I encourage you to check in with yourselves, and see what you actually want to do, and what are expectations that don't actually make you happy. I promise, it makes a world of a difference.
