I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and after struggling for so long, it's really hard to let yourself be okay. I don't necessarily want to use the words "let yourself", because that implies that mental illness is a choice, which it absolutely is not, but I can't think of another way to say it. The thing is, while struggling with your mental health isn't a choice, recovery is. It's not an easy one, and it's a choice you have to make every damn day, but it is a choice. Recovery isn't something that happens to you. You have to work so hard for it, but I can't even tell you how worth it it is.
My friend Cait recently wrote a blog post for Wear Your Label, where she says that it's not easy to be easy on yourself. I think this is so true. I sometimes find it really hard to be open about my experiences, and I question what the point of being open is sometimes. I think this is for a number of reasons. First of all, I don't want to romanticize mental illness. While it's amazing that conversations are happening more and more now, and that stigma is starting to shatter, I sometimes feel guilty for sharing my story because I am afraid that people are going to think I want attention, or that mental illness is some club that everyone wants to be a part of. I wouldn't change what I've been through, because it's made me who I am today. That said, I would never wish mental illness on anyone else - feeling like you can't trust your own mind is awful, and struggling to believe that you can let others in, frankly, sucks.
Mental health and mental illness have developed an underlying tone of competition. What's worse is that sometimes that competition ends up being in your own mind. You tell yourself that you aren't as sick as the other girl in your therapy group, that you haven't ever been in a hospital, so you must be making it up. That everyone is going to tell you that you're wrong and just being dramatic. I want to tell you all, today, that you are allowed to be okay. It doesn't take away the fact that you have struggled. You are allowed to get better. You are allowed to be okay. It doesn't invalidate what you've been through, and won't it feel so much better to put some of your struggles in the past?
Let's build each other up, celebrate each others' wins, and never forget to appreciate those who helped us get to where we are. It's okay not to be okay, but my love, it's okay to be okay too.
Ally
