For the past few weeks, I've been thinking... am I really happy? What does it mean if I say that I'm happy? What does that mean for my advocacy, for myself, for my peers? After so long being afraid, confused, and overwhelmed, I am finally in a good place. I'm healthy, physically and mentally, and I know how to take care of myself. Does this mean that every day is a good day? Absolutely not. But, instead of suffering from my mental health challenges, I can now say that I'm peacefully coexisting with them.
I think I've been hesitating to say I'm happy because I don't know what people see from the outside. I still get anxious. I probably always will. I still get overwhelmed at my triggers, and that will probably never change. The thing about recovery is, as my friend Kayley mentioned, it's not so much about getting better as it is about getting better at managing. And for the first time in a long while, my smile is wider, I remember what it feels like to laugh and skip, and just be.
I think I've been hesitating to say that I'm happy because many people don't recognize that anxiety and happiness aren't mutually exclusive. To be perfectly honest, for the longest time, I didn't either. But I'm learning that one anxious day doesn't mean an anxious life. One bad grade doesn't mean a bad day. I'm finally finding my way towards happy, and while I'm still not where I want to be, I'm finally feeling like I'm on the right track.
This is what my happy looks like.
My happy means that I can wake up in the morning and not be afraid to get out of bed. I know that I can handle whatever I might face that day. It means that I am excited for my future. My happy means that I enjoy what I'm studying, that I want to get outside to feel the sun on my skin, or go get ice cream with a friend because it tastes good.
My happy means that I treat my body with respect. Whether I am having a good day or not, I still recognize what my body needs and I make sure to cover all the bases. I need water. I need food (and I've learned that for me, personally, it's better to be consistent with both of these things and stick to a schedule).
My happy means that I turn to writing, playing with animals, or singing an awesome song when things get tough, instead of being hard on myself for what is happening. My happy means that I am willing to say no, and that I am willing to put my health before my grades or my jobs. It means surrounding myself with people who make me feel good and who recognize my worth, and doing things that make me smile. My happy means finally taking a step back, and realizing that I can't do it all... and that that's okay. My happy is taking time to just breathe, or taking an extra 5 minutes in the shower because I can. It means standing out in the sun for a bit too long just because it feels good and I was missing the spring.
My happy might be different from yours, but I've worked hard to get here. And, oh my goodness, is it ever worth it.
