For those of you who have been reading my blog since it started, or honestly even just the past few posts or anything I've written for Wear Your Label, you'll know that I've spoken a lot about self-care. So much of my everyday life, volunteering, and jobs revolve around being transparent with people when it comes to mental health; I have to be real with them, and not sugar-coat anything. I have to be open about what warning signs look like, and not shy away from difficult conversations when I think that someone might be struggling. That being said, something I haven't really spoken about is how to support others (and take care of yourself at the same time). I have been thinking about writing something like this for a while, and I wanted to wait until I knew exactly what to say. The thing is, though, there is never the exact "right" thing to say, because every situation and interaction you have with people is different.
Here's what I've learned: supporting others through mental health challenges is confusing, overwhelming, and draining. It's also always a learning opportunity, and I wouldn't change my decision to be a support to people for the world. I know many of you are starting to be mental health advocates for the first time, or have recently been plunged into the mental health world, with that a-ha! everyone-has-mental-health moment. I've been there. What is so important to realize, though, is that you have to take care of yourself first. There is a limit to how much you can help someone. If you are not a mental health professional, you can't heal someone. You can be a member of their support network during their recovery, but the key word here is network. You aren't able to help someone on your own, and I promise you, you don't have to. I've been there. I've been the girl who thought she was someone's lifeline, who thought that she had to always be *on*.
I've spoken to several individuals lately, asking them about their experience as mental health supports. A common theme in pretty much everyone's responses was that you have to find that balance between being there for someone else, and being there for yourself. You have to stay well. If you aren't well, are you really helping them? As someone who has been on both sides (supporter and supported) I know that it can be hard to feel like you're "all in" with respect to someone else's mental health. I would never expect any of my friends or family members to be my primary support 100% of the time, because that sh*t can be stressful, even for the most helpful people. (I'm NOT trying to suggest that if you need support you are a burden - I need support so often - I just mean that a person's recovery must involve an open dialogue between everyone involved, to check in on all parties' well-being and mental health :) ).
Especially when someone is a close friend or family member, it can be really hard to take a step back for your own well-being. You're probably super invested in their health and happiness because you care about them. And when we see loved ones hurting, we would do anything to make that pain go away. But what if it wasn't your job to make the pain go away? What if your task was to help the person realize that they can handle the pain, and have had what it takes to make it through all along?
I guess the point I'm trying to make is, you're human. You'll make mistakes. I say the wrong thing all the time. What's important is that you own your mistakes, apologize for them, and learn from them. If you are at a point where you think you need to take a bit of a step back from supporting someone for your own health and well-being, be honest with that person. Chances are, they'll understand. Try to keep things as transparent as possible, and be clear about what type of "break" you're looking for: are you going to take a week for self-care? Are you stepping back permanently? Do you need to turn your phone off at a certain hour? Being honest about your own needs is super important and 100% okay when supporting someone else through a mental health challenge.
The most important thing is, be kind. There is so much power in listening, and know that through whatever capacity you help someone, you've made a difference. Taking a step back isn't selfish, and if you need some support, or even advice on how to support someone, make sure to reach out to a mental health professional, too.
