Sometimes I sit back for a minute and think of how far I’ve come in my mere 20 years on the planet. Being young can be great, and collaborating with other young innovators, entrepreneurs, creatives, and change-makers is inspiring, but it’s super easy to feel like you’re “behind” when you see people around you getting promotions, having kids, getting engaged, finding their dream job, etc. Sometimes, I just have to take a minute and remember… I’m TWENTY. I graduated high school a mere 3 years ago (WOW so much has changed in 3 years; I’m a totally different person, and proud of it). 10 years ago, I was in grade 6. I don’t have to have my entire life planned out right now. It’s okay to be an unpaid intern, it’s okay to have my career path be a big old question mark, it’s okay to tell people that I don’t know where I’ll be in a year (and there’s nothing wrong with being single – you don’t have to date someone for the sake of dating someone). It’s okay to have regrets, just learn from them. Often, I’ll criticize myself for not achieving enough yet, not reaching certain milestones yet, and the list goes on. I think we all do that, to some extent.
For the first two months of summer, I was taking summer classes (Statistics and Physiology), and it was actually a surprisingly nice change of subject matter/thought process from my fine arts/literature background. I moved in to my first apartment with my best friend (it’s run-down and cheap, the paint is chipping everywhere, our couch is held together with tape, and I absolutely love it), I started writing more, and thinking more about the future. I finished my term as a Campus Rep with Wear Your Label, met a ton of new people, and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I am finally not afraid to ask for more opportunities rather than waiting for them to come to me (in my writing and advocacy, at least). I finished training, became a certified Jack Talks speaker, and gave half a dozen talks about mental health and my own journey at schools across Nova Scotia, and grew closer with some of the other speakers, who I am thankful for every single day. With all of this behind me, and summer almost half over (MERP), I thought I’d share some things that the past couple of months have taught me. This summer is definitely one for the books, and different than any I’ve ever had before. This is the summer of being solid in my recovery, of not wishing parts of my body away, or hiding under big t-shirts. This is the summer vulnerability, of self-discovery, of letting myself fall, and taking chances. It’s the summer of wearing bathing suits outside, even if I’m a larger size than others I’m with, and recognizing that other peoples’ judgement doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It's the summer of exercising because it feels good not because I need to change, and taking spontaneous photos without worrying about my cellulite, or the way my thighs look. It’s the summer of going to the beach without makeup on because I know I don’t need to hide behind a mask to be beautiful. Masks are for commedia dell’arte, not for insecurities. It’s the summer of travel, and learning not to apologize so much. It’s the summer of allowing myself to take up space in this world, guilt-free.
So, these are the things I’ve learned this summer semester:
1) Sometimes you don’t succeed. That’s okay. (I’m looking at you, Physiology). I was raised to believe that I can do anything by some pretty great parents, and an awesome feminist role model for a mom. I’m so grateful for my parents’ belief in me, but sometimes I can’t do something the first time around. That doesn’t mean that I’m not smart, talented, or capable. Sometimes you have to make mistakes, learn from them, and try again. I don’t really know where my perfectionism came from, either, since I was always told that health is more important than grades by my parents, that everything is fixable, and that I was doing a good job. Despite every piece of encouragement, though, I still internalized the need to be perfect at everything I tried. This semester, I got my first C- ever. Then, I got my first D ever. As someone who, for years, formed her identity around being a straight-A student, this was humbling, but a super important lesson. Once, in grade 9, I distinctly remember crying my eyes out because I got an 88 in math instead of a 90, meaning that I would be unable to take math a year ahead, and would be staying at my own grade level. This genuinely felt like the end of the world (despite the fact that I was getting As at my appropriate grade level), and seeing my friends and sister take more advanced math courses made me feel like I wasn’t going to be successful (spoiler alert – I was just fine finishing high-school math at the end of high school like most teenagers). Grade 10 me felt like she wasn’t accomplished enough because she was only taking two grade 12 courses, and some of my friends were taking 3. Having unrealistic expectations for myself is something I’m still working on letting go. Honestly, not meeting my own goals at the beginning of the summer was a lesson I needed to learn, even if I didn’t like it at the time. Learning to let go of a perfect GPA, and set more realistic goals for myself, has made me feel so much more comfortable with myself and my future (because “to err is human”! It’s okay!).
2) I can do just fine on my own. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls because I have an amazing roommate. Every time she comes home, I just smile. She can make me laugh like no one else can, and we just have a great time together. A few weeks ago, though, my roommate went away for several days. I was honestly really worried about it since, as a twin and a 2-time RA, I had never really been all alone for more than a night before. But, it ended up being totally fine (of course). I learned a lot about myself, wrote a lot, tried some new recipes, meditated, and learned that I am far more capable than I give myself credit for.
3) Only you can define what “successful” looks like in your life. For the longest time, I was wrapped up in what I “should” be doing, and would then feel bad if I didn’t meet the expectations I had set out for myself, or the ones I *thought* my friends and family wanted for me. The thing I’ve learned this semester, though, is that there is no one clear-cut definition of what that looks like, or the number it represents. If, to you, success is getting that 6-figure salary, great - I genuinely hope that works out for you. If your idea of success is conversations you have, connections you make, articles you write, or gaining the relationship with yourself that you’ve always wanted, I wish you all the best, too. The point is, you’re allowed to feel successful. Right now. Even if you’re young. Even if your path is “unconventional”.
4) Happiness doesn’t happen by chance – it’s something you choose to work towards every single day. I don’t mean that if you are unhappy, it’s your fault for not “choosing happiness”. That is the epitome of stigma, and is frankly bullsh*t, and in any case, I’ve been there. I know as well as anyone that, when you are in a bad place, it can feel like there is no light. All of that being said, I do believe that happiness can be built from the little choices we make every single day. The choice to end toxic relationships, to get outside in the fresh air, to let yourself feel all the feelings. The choice to go to therapy (and to be receptive to it), or to make your favourite supper. To surprise a family member, or take up a new hobby. The little and not-so-little choices we make every day are the building blocks to a life that will make us happy or unhappy. So, make the decisions that you feel are right, say no to things that don’t help you grow, say yes to the things that scare you, and get started on that incredible journey to self-love.
5) There is actually no such thing as the “ideal body”. The bodies that we see in magazine have been heavily photoshopped. People who you wish you looked more like probably wish that they looked like someone else. So, instead of envying someone else, or putting yourself down because of comparing yourself to others, respect who you are and love your body for everything that it does for you. So what if your legs are bigger than they used to be? They are strong, and can help you figure skate. Who cares if your hips are wider? They can be a great shelf for all of your school books. Nobody cares that your feet are flat; they help you swim, and run, and play with your kids. Those scars? They are your memories: the time you fell flat on your face trying to do a hand stand at summer camp, the day you wiped out trying to impress your crush at a middle school dance when you were 13, the cut you got when you were moving into your first apartment, the scrape from the time you bit your lip too hard to keep from laughing, the scar from that one time you hurt yourself standing up from a desk chair (because academia am I right?!). Maybe your scars show a battle you’ve worked hard to overcome. Either way, you’re imperfectly perfect.
6) There is no such thing as a “summer body”. See #5. Seriously, it’s so strange to me that we are somehow magically expected to radically change our bodies from one season to the next. First of all, our bodies are quite literally designed to prevent this from happening. All of our organs and internal processes work tirelessly to ensure that our body maintains homeostasis, and stays within a specific range (of body fat, pH, energy intake, etc.) come what may. Your summer body is your winter body, your spring body, and your fall body. And that’s okay. So grab your swimsuit and a towel, and hit the beach because you are amazing and never needed to change anyways.
7) Vulnerability is beautiful, and being open and honest is highly undervalued. I don’t know about you, but some of the moments where I have felt the most connected to my friends and family have been when someone has opened up to me about something, or when we have experienced an unexpected or emotionally-charged event together. When you can be transparent with someone, and let yourself be vulnerable, it is healing. It’s cathartic. And when someone is vulnerable with you, you feel trusted and completely accepted. My favourite thing about vulnerability is that it helps eliminate shame. Shame hides in silence, and, in my opinion, being vulnerable can help you understand yourself and the world a whole lot better. So, 2017… here’s to the year of being more vulnerable, and honest about what I’m going through, especially when it feels easier to stay silent.
8) You are allowed to set boundaries. For the longest time, I thought that not responding to that message right away, taking a break from a relationship, or not being “on” 24/7 meant that I was a bad friend, employee, or advocate. My first year working as an RA, my boss actually sat me down and told me to stop answering radio calls, because I had a team of others to help me and I was burning myself out trying to do it all. Here I was, thinking it would be selfish to make someone else respond to a situation while I sat in my room “studying” (realistically watching Netflix), not considering that it was literally their job to do so, just as it was mine. Breaks don’t mean you’re tapping out. They mean you’re taking care of yourself. Boundaries mean that you are taking care of yourself. It’s a sign of self-care, not a sign that you don’t care about others.
9) Friendships should have boundaries. Again, I used to think that speaking up for myself, and telling my friends what I needed was rude or disrespectful. Heck, no! It’s a sign of self-respect. Saying no to an invitation because you need a night in, telling someone that you’re in the middle of something but can respond in an hour, saying that you’re not in a place to be a support to a friend right now but can check in with them in the morning… all of these things are not only okay, but they’re necessary. Setting boundaries in friendships is so important; your friends will respect you for it, and they will know that when you do help them, they don’t have to feel guilty because you are genuinely in a place to do so. It’s also modelling self-respect, and I definitely think the world could benefit from a little more self-love and self-respect. Bottom line, setting boundaries in your friendships will make the time you do spend together more enjoyable, because you know that you both want to be there, and are fully present. You know that you are being honest with each other, and yourself.
10) You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You don’t need to tell someone why you aren’t available. Saying “I can’t come to your party, I’m busy” is enough. Saying “I have an appointment” is okay, without justifying what kind. You can say no without being interrogated, and you shouldn’t feel that you have to share your deepest secrets with someone to connect with them. First of all, some people are more open than others. If someone shares something personal with you, it doesn’t mean that you have to share with them. You can say “I appreciate you sharing that with me” or “thank you for telling me that” without reciprocating. Your only job is to make them feel heard and validated.
11) You get to decide what you are/are not comfortable sharing. Maybe you’re totally okay sharing one part of your life with people, but some things you are more reserved about. Maybe there are some things you haven’t told your very best friend. It’s okay to be open about some things and keep others to yourself. Vulnerability isn’t all-or-nothing, and if you aren’t ready to share, you aren’t ready. That’s okay.
12) You are allowed to quit. If something is not good for you or your mental health, you can leave. If you hate your job, but you need the paycheque, start looking or something else. Never settle, and you’ll make it work. If you are volunteering somewhere, and it doesn’t excite you like it did when you started, you’re allowed to move on. You are allowed to quit. Jobs, internships, volunteering, and relationships. You are allowed to step away from anything that doesn’t help you grow. You don’t have to wait for the “right” time, because honestly, there is never a “right” time.
13) Never, ever apologize for who you are. People might not always understand you, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. Not everyone is going to like you, but that’s okay. You deserve to be authentically you without fear of being judged. The people who stay in your life, who love you for *you*, they are worth waiting for, I promise. Don’t apologize for taking up space, for speaking your mind, or for having opinions. Don’t abandon your dreams for someone else, and don’t expect the people you care about to either.
14) You can create opportunities for yourself. Whether that’s writing an email to someone who works at your favourite organization to talk about volunteering with them, whether it’s creating a job for yourself that didn’t exist before, or collaborating with like-minded people to create something amazing… you don’t have to wait for opportunities to come to you. And, hey, if it doesn’t work out, at least you can say you tried. I know it’s super cliché to say, but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Remember to stay kind, and be human. And, as always, I’m rooting for you.
- Ally
