To the person who thinks that my fidgeting means that I am unfocussed and not driven,
The other day, you said that “kids these days just can’t sit still” and “everyone has such short attention spans” and that people need to “just stop fidgeting and calm down”. All of this, because you had seen a few kids using fidget spinners on the subway.
As someone who lives with anxiety disorders, I want to tell you why fidgeting doesn’t make me unfocussed – quite the opposite, actually. I fidget because it calms me. My anxiety makes me feel restless quite often, and has led me to cope with tension, stress, and even boredom with BFRBs (body-focussed repetitive behaviours, for those of you who are newer readers of this blog). Trichotillomania and Dermatillomania are the products of this restless energy, when I have nothing to fidget with. Whether I pick my skin or pull my hair depends on the day. I’m more prone to picking my skin when I am wearing makeup, and I’m more prone to pulling my hair when it’s down ever since it got longer. Regardless of which behaviour is more prevalent in a given day, this doesn’t mean that I don’t care about my work, or that I am unfocussed. In fact, I actually take a lot of comfort from pulling my hair, or picking at my skin. It might sound strange, and I know for a lot of people it doesn’t make sense, but my BFRBs significantly lower my anxiety, and actually allow me to focus more and perform better in the face of anxiety. This is because, despite not being the best coping mechanisms, they do help me ground myself and stay calm enough to think rationally. Often, while pulling my hair, I can “zone out” of my anxious thoughts, and can focus on that report, or updating that file. While scratching at my skin, I can focus on what’s being said in that business meeting. Enter fidget spinners and fidget cubes.
I’ve never used a fidget spinner. I’ve actually never seen one in real life, nor have I seen a fidget cube. However, time and time again I think of going to pick one up, because I know that it would be a great help to me. What is preventing me from doing so, though, is fear of people judging me for just following the latest trend, or not being focused or disciplined enough to just sit still, despite the fact that I'm twenty. Is this self-stigma? Maybe. But it still occupies my thoughts consistently.
When I was at the Jack Summit in March, there were fidget items, called Tangles, on each of the tables. This was my first experience with anything that was specifically made to fidget with, and that weekend I barely pulled my hair at all. I barely scratched at my skin. Having something in my hands to fiddle with helped me feel less anxious and less awkward, and helped me feel comfortable participating in workshops. It allowed me to focus on the speakers, rather than the thoughts racing through my mind. And let me tell you, it’s super frustrating and disheartening to see a bunch of hair on the ground, thinning hair on my scalp, or blood on my shirts or sheets because I don’t realize my back or face has been bleeding from picking. I don’t talk about these things because, honestly, I’m still ashamed of them sometimes. It sucks to constantly be cleaning up after this part of me. It’s brutal to work so hard not to pick, to let my skin heal. Because I know that when my skin is already damaged, I’m way more likely to pick at it, and this so often leaves scars that I usually don’t want to talk about. I tried so many different creams, oils, and cleansers to try to help these scars fade, until I joined the body positive community, and learned that I am more than the way they make me feel sometimes. Even though I’m learning not to be ashamed of my trich and derm habits, they’re still uncomfortable, and it’s not exactly what I want to spend my time at work or in meetings doing (picking my skin or pulling my hair). If a fidget cube or spinner can stop this, honestly, why wouldn’t I try it?
Items I can fidget with are super helpful, because not only do they allow me to focus on the task at hand rather than the thoughts running through my head, but they also prevent me from physically damaging my body, and consequently from worrying about damaging my body. They let me go through life, and calm down how I best know how, without feeling guilty.
To the person who jokes about these fidget products... to some, yes, they are just another item in the junk drawer. And I totally recognize how they can be distracting in primary classrooms... the new "Beyblade" or "Tamagotchi". But to those of us living with anxiety, they can be an immense comfort in facing the day. For me, someone who lives with BFRBs, it can literally save me from bleeding, or pulling out my own hair. Next time you see someone fiddling with one of these gadgets, just keep walking. Don’t judge, because you have no idea what this person might be going through. And even if they are just fidgeting for fun…. Well, there are way worse things people could be doing. Just let them be.
Ally
