Over the past month, I’ve barely written anything. For class, sure, but I haven’t just sat down to write for me. Something that had become a huge part of my life just kind of… disappeared for the past few weeks. I’ve noticed it, but I think I got comfortable in not thinking about the future, and in just trying to figure out the “now” as best as I could. I think I’ve been avoiding writing because I just didn’t want to think about the scary uncertainty of my reality right now.
I’m happy. And, for the most part, I’m confident. My roommate and I were walking to campus the other day, and we realized… we hadn’t been stressed yet. For some people, this might not seem like a big deal, but seriously… I hadn’t been stressed. This was such a huge victory for me, because it means I am finally figuring out how to take care of myself, and give my body and mind what they need. All of this being said, I’ve said yes to a lot of things that kind of scare me lately, and I’m trying to be okay with all of this uncertainty. Many of you know by now that I am a Jack Talks speaker, which means that I’ve become quite comfortable public speaking over the past few months, and I know the talks material like the back of my hand. The other day, though, my friend and I were asked to give two Jack Talks in French the second week of October. Initially, every single part of me wanted to say no. I love working with Jack.org. I love giving these talks, and having conversations with high school students about what they can do to look out for each other, and themselves. But I’m also really self-conscious about my Anglophone accent when I speak French. I’m embarrassed of the fact that I take longer to formulate sentences in my second language, and fear that I might not know a certain word, or I might say the wrong thing. In my head, at least in English I can explain myself. A little part of me thinks… what if I say something stupid and I don’t even know because I don’t understand some of the nuances of French? What if people start judging me for my accent? (I’ve since realized… what the heck, Ally! Of COURSE you can’t sound like a native speaker… that doesn’t mean you’re bad at it). A year ago, I absolutely would have said no to this opportunity. But this time? I said yes. Am I nervous? Heck yes – I’m terrified. But I also know that I can do this. And I know that pushing myself a little bit out of my comfort zone will do wonders for me. I’ve been studying French all through middle school, high school, and university. And I realized… if I’m not comfortable trying to speak now, I never will be. I was so worried about being “perfect” (hello anxiety brain and perfectionism!) that I just can’t trust the fact that I can, in fact, speak the language I’ve fallen in love with these past few years.
I’m also in a playwriting class this year, and it’s another thing that’s really gotten me out of my comfort zone lately. I love writing, but I so fear showing other people my work. Anyone who’s done any work in theatre, writing novels, poems… any creative work, really... knows that it is incredibly personal. No matter what you write about, a piece of you is on that page. And while I do consider myself a very open and vulnerable person, I was afraid that people would read my work and tell me that my ideas weren’t good, that my stories weren’t interesting, or even worse… that they’d tell me they liked it, and secretly hate it. I felt like this course would prove to others that I don’t deserve to be graduating with this theatre degree. Next week, my favourite Canadian playwright is coming into our class, and she’ll be reading our work, and giving us feedback. TERRIFYING! So today, we brought in our pitches for our plays, and I shared my idea. And you know what? People laughed at the comedy I’m writing. They gave me feedback, and they gave me constructive criticism, but I realized that maybe I am a writer. Maybe I’m not so bad at it after all.
In my occupational therapy course today, the director of admissions for Dal’s program came in to speak about program requirements, what to expect, etc., and it was overwhelming, to say the least. I felt underprepared, overwhelmed, and just completely in over my head. I realized that I don’t have a Plan B. Plan A is grad school. It’s what I’ve wanted forever. What worried me all day was the thought of not getting in to any school. Of not being able to do the work I so long to do. After speaking with my mom (I’m independent… pshh…) and a coffee date with a friend, I realized that sh*t happens. I can’t control my future, I can’t control if I will get into school, if people will like my writing, or if people will believe in me. I can’t control who might dislike my accent when I speak French, who might think my introverted nature means I’m snobbish, or the people who just don’t like me. But I can control how I feel about myself, and how I treat myself. I can believe in me. I realized that if I don’t try to accomplish my dreams for fear of failing, well, then, I’m really just failing anyways.
I’m sure a lot of you are in the same boat as me, thinking about the future, and not knowing what to do. Whether you are thinking of grad school, whether you already have 2 degrees and are thinking of your next career move, or whether you’re trying to work up the courage to do that thing that’s been scaring you, life can be pretty damn intimidating. So, these past couple of weeks, I’ve really tried to stop caring what other people think. I’ve been trying to figure out what I want and need, to advocate for myself, to proactively meet with my professors and let them know what I’m looking for out of this year. More than anything, I’ve been trying to accept that I’m not terrible at everything. I actually can do things. I actually can write. I can speak French, and my friend and I are going to rock that presentation. I can talk to people about what I want and need without being a burden. I can apply to grad school, I can take a year off, I can do anything under the sun… but it’s time to take chances.
