In the past, I’ve definitely been a self-conscious person. It’s something I’m still working on. The more I think about it, and the more I try to abandon my insecurities about speaking French outside of the classroom, the more I realize that learning a second language has taught me a ton about life.
A few months ago, I was talking to my psychologist, trying to explain to her what my anxiety feels like. I told her that, to me, anxiety feels like speaking in a foreign language. Before I talk to someone, or while I’m talking to them, it’s like there’s this disconnect between the thoughts in my head and what I say. Sometimes, there is so much going on in my head that I almost have to “translate” all of this noise into what I’m actually thinking or feeling, and how I want to respond. For those of you who speak more than one language, maybe this will give you a better idea of how my brain works. It’s strange, it’s frustrating, and it can be exhausting. So when I recharge my introvert battery, it’s like the comfort being able to speak my own language for a while.
Learning a second language has taught me patience. It has taught me that sometimes you have to try something, and fail at it multiple times, in order to learn it. It’s taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes. Then you dust yourself off, try again, and you make another mistake. It’s hard. Sometimes you’ll be frustrated with yourself and want to quit. You’ll think that others are way better at it than you. But, still, you keep trying. And one day, you start to worry less and less about what other people think and just start living your life. You start speaking the language with no regrets, recognizing that your mistakes make you human, and that you’re learning. Throughout the past few years trying to figure out how to manage my mental health, it’s been a process. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve tried things and failed at them, but all of these things have been a valuable part of my journey. Do I wish there was a dictionary where I could look up my life problems and find the answers? Hell yeah! But, I’ll settle for the journey, because it’s been pretty interesting.
For the longest time, I was self-conscious about my accent when speaking French. I was nervous that I’d say the wrong thing, or that I would speak to someone who had a “better” accent or “better” diction than I do. The same thing happened with my recovery. I would look at other body positive activists, other people recovering from their own challenges, and think that I was recovering wrong. I would think that they were recovering “better” than I was. But, just like learning a language, my recovery experience is unique to me. My accent is mine. My way of speaking is mine, and my recovery is mine. Maybe nobody’s right or wrong… maybe we’re just different. And maybe that’s okay.
Basically, I’m learning that it’s okay to be self-conscious, but that 98% of the time, people are too worried about their own sh*t to judge you for how you’re living your life. You do you, friend. And as always, I’m rooting for you.
