It's been a while since I've written a blog post. Other than my "welcome back" post for Wear Your Label, I just haven't been writing as much mental health content as I used to. And that's okay. I've been taking a break from some forms of writing, but it's been challenging nonetheless. The good kind of challenging where you get butterflies in your stomach, but you know that you're growing a lot in the process.
Over the past couple of months, I've been writing creatively more and more. I've been writing more plays and poems, and I've been learning a whole lot about myself in the process. I'm taking time to discover what I love and what makes me happy. I'm challenging myself in new ways that I never thought I could. My favourite Canadian playwright, maybe my favourite playwright period, read a piece of my first-ever play. It was terrifying, it was thrilling, and it was really motivating. It was amazing to hear her feedback, and even though it was really scary, it was also freeing to realize that maybe what I write isn't awful (who knew, right?). I've been taking some more liberties with my writing, and challenging myself with new forms and new ideas that put me out of my comfort zone. It may surprise you, I know - because I'm obviously hilarious ;) - but I never, ever write comedy. I write the dark, twisty, punched-in-your-stomach kind of poetry. I started writing a physical comedy, though, and it's been a ton of fun and really great to see what I can do and stretch my creativity even further.
I've been collaborating with some pretty awesome creative people who I look up to. My friends Addie, Kayley, and Miranda have been so helpful to me through both creative and mental slumps lately. I've also reached out to people who aren't necessarily the "logical" choice to help me with my work, and I've learned a lot from their perspectives. I spoke to one of my theatre professors about my occupational therapy project, and his insight was invaluable in understanding how to move forward with my work. I've talked to my friends studying neuroscience about my play. I've asked international development students to read my poems. I'm learning that everyone's experiences, especially the people you wouldn't necessarily see as the "logical" choice to speak to about something, can make you more innovative, creative, and inspired.
Over the past little while, too, I've decided to spend more time "treating myself", and learning to sit with the discomfort I feel when I do so. By this, I mean changing the way I look at self-care. Self-care is really important to me, and something I try to integrate into my life on the daily. I encourage others to do so, too, yet I still find myself feeling guilty for putting myself first. I feel guilty spending time or money on myself, because there are still sometimes where I don't feel like I deserve it. It's something that I'm working on, and my writing is actually helping me with this. I'm learning that it's okay to show people my creativity. It's definitely nerve-wracking, because art is so personal - I always say that I leave a piece of myself on the page every time I write. Allowing myself to be vulnerable in this way, recognizing that people not liking my work doesn't mean anything about what they think of me as a person, and honestly even just trying to recognize that it's okay to work on myself, and be uncomfortable, has been a really valuable lesson lately. It's not the end of the world I pay for that sandwich for myself because I forgot my lunch at home - that's not selfish or unnecessary. It's okay if I tell someone that I just need a day in bed. It's okay to feel guilty, scared, alone, frustrated, and uncomfortable. It's okay to need to be gentle with myself.
If there's anything I want you to take from this, it's that being a work in progress is okay. It's okay to take a step back from what you are doing to learn more about yourself. It's okay to take chances (even if you make a mistake, there's usually a pretty cool lesson in there somewhere). And vulnerability? That's what connects us all. So maybe I don't know where I'll be living in 6 months, or a year. Maybe I don't know if I'll get in to grad school, or what job I might have. Maybe I don't have a single clue what I'm doing. But I know I'll be just fine, and I can't wait for the challenge. You will too.
Take care of yourselves, loves.
Ally
